Yesterday was Mental Health Day 2019, we took a personal day to take things in and breathe, but I wanted to share a bit of my mental health battle. So Let’s talk about depression for mental health day.
Admittingly this exact time last year was one of the most challenging moments in my life. There seemed to be a meteoric uprising in my depression, making it more severe than ever before. Specifically, it felt like drowning in slow motion, hitting in waves that wash over me, not able to breathe or pull myself out. Silently suffering showed in my lack of work, then I stopped writing altogether out of complete disinterest.
Furthermore, being openly honest with my struggle isn’t something I wanted to admit. Without shame of having depression, instead, there was apprehension to say aloud, I’m not okay right now. Battling with depression hasn’t always been easy. Friends understood to an extent. However, what sent me over the edge is when certain friends made it apparent that our friendship was purely exploitive. I was no longer of use to them since my writing interest fell by the wayside, and they could no longer leech off of me to advance themselves because they lack their creativity or a voice.
Coming to terms of being used, exploited, and then replaced by other so-called friends was the final nail in the coffin.
About a month later, my parents invited me to their homeland trip to Mexico during Thanksgiving break. The trip couldn’t have come at a better time since I was becoming a hermit.
Upon arrival, everything seemed alright except for a sense of heaviness was still over me. As a result, I slept for an entire day just because of the looming sadness. My poor parents were so worried, my aunt and uncle, but my depression was bad. I was having in my own Mexi-coma. The excerpt below is the only writing I did in my Moleskin journal during the entire trip.
“I can feel the sadness coming. I feel it inching closer and closer, yet I feel as though I can’t stop it. I’m merely an observer experiencing the inky darkness consume me. The once wide-eyed hopeful girl is now a cynical and despondent shell of her former self.”
I sought professional help for the first time in my life. At the same time, I’m still wary about therapy, at least for now, because I’m not yet comfortable with being vulnerable to a stranger. At least I can say that I’m making strides and trying to change the self-destructive streak I have.
Now, one year later, my mental health’s light-years ahead of last year. With the help of Youper, I’m learning to understand my thinking process better instead of letting my emotions run amok. Youper’s a free alternative if you don’t have the funds for a therapist or have social anxiety, like me.
Although it was a murky time now, I see it as a blessing in disguise, or as I wrote on my Instagram, it was a shedding process. Despite its challenges and continuing ups and downs, 2019’s been a rebirth for me; Play Into It’s been essential in my reincarnation.
Even though friends are there for us, it’s not up to them. We have to get help for ourselves. That’s finally what happened to me. I didn’t need anyone to save me; I’m my hero.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, below are some signs that people may experience but not limited to:
Mood: anxiety, apathy, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, mood swings, or sadness
Behavioral: agitation, excessive crying, irritability, restlessness, or social isolation
Sleep: early awakening, excess sleepiness, insomnia, or restless sleep
Whole-body: excessive hunger, fatigue, or loss of appetite
Cognitive: lack of concentration, slowness in activity, or thoughts of suicide
Weight: weight gain, weight loss, poor appetite.
Also standard: repeatedly going over thoughts
Being kind to each other is excellent; nevertheless, there needs to be actual change. Health care, especially mental health, should be a right, not a privilege.
Perhaps with changing policies, there’ll be more understanding of what we don’t know instead of believing harmful stereotypes or dangerous stigmas.
